The dreaded knot in your stomach; a sense of paralysis and confusion; disappointment and regret; fear and self-doubt. These are a few ways our body signals to us that we are experiencing guilt. Our reactions to guilt may be more noticeable than the initial feedback - justification, defensiveness, moral negotiations, self-criticism and shame. Through the multitude of painful ways in which guilt presents itself, we are often quick to seek relief or succumb to its pull. Many of us have been taught a binary way of understanding this experience - internalize the guilt as shame so that it morphs from “I did something wrong” to “I am wrong” (in order to demonstrate true remorse); or protect ourselves from what we perceive to be a negative evaluation of our character in effort to preserve our self-worth.
When we are taught to relate to guilt from one of these two mutually exclusive approaches, we miss out on a significant opportunity for self-development and relational repair. As our intuition inevitably questions the over-simplified determination of being “right” or “wrong”, we seek steady ground through tightening our grip on the narrative and pushing deeper into self-hatred, absolution or righteousness. There’s not much learning that occurs through this approach, and regardless of the assessment, any action that follows often feels disempowering and disconnecting.
Guilt, like every emotion, is important to acknowledge and attend to. However, where some emotions need gentle nurturance, and others direct expression, guilt requires critical examination. It is often tangled in our family culture, relationship dynamics, religious upbringing, and societal positioning. As tempting as it may be to assume certainty in our familiar feeling of it, if we allow ourselves to sit in the discomfort of uncertainty just a bit longer, we may not only learn something very valuable about ourselves, but find ways to align our actions with our true integrity.
Why Do I Feel Guilty?
1. Guilt in response to a limiting belief being activated.
Limiting beliefs are the conditions we have been taught that we must meet in order to get our needs met. They often take the form of “In order to be _____ (worthy/loved/included/safe), I must _____ (be agreeable and pleasant/be self-reliant/be productive…)”. We can notice when a limiting belief is getting activated within us through a worsening sense of anxiety or defeat when we do not achieve the desired outcome, or when we recognize our dependence on that outcome to provide some sense of reassurance and accomplishment.
2. Guilt in response to our actions being misaligned with our core values.
Our core values can be defined as the morals and principles which inform our actions. Values may include the care to be curious, creative, responsible or honest. They describe how we would like to approach our relationships with ourselves, with others, and with the greater world. While their order of priorities may fluctuate, our core values remain consistent across different environments, relationships, and often life stages. Acting in alignment with our values is to identify our guiding lights which we choose to move toward, and is not dependent on any desired outcome which we hope to achieve.
How Should I Respond?
It is imperative to discern to what degree our feelings of guilt are in response to a limiting belief versus a misaligned action in order to determine what an appropriate response is. When we experience guilt due to a limiting belief, we are at great risk of becoming self-critical, ashamed, or projecting our insecurities in hurtful ways onto others. When guilt lands in this way, we are urged to practice self-compassion through acknowledging the pain these beliefs evoke within us, and offering a new narrative that supports our healing journey.
When we experience guilt due to actions which are misaligned with our core values, we may still start with self-compassion to recognize the discomfort this causes us and the situational challenges which may have made it difficult for us to act with integrity. However, if we stop here in the process, we are very likely to repeat our actions and cause harm to ourselves through becoming disembodied to avoid the guilt or collude with other limiting beliefs which provide temporary comfort. When we suffer in these ways, we are not able to fully connect with our community and may unintentionally cause harm to others and the world around us. Alternatively, when we are in the practice of true self-compassion to stabilize our self-worth, we can also develop greater courage to assume accountability for our actions.
Recognizing that we have neglected our values and betrayed what is most important to us offers us immense opportunity for healing and growth. It is in these moments that we are given a clear invitation to accept our freedom to determine what each of our core values are, and our responsibility to show up for ourselves, our people, and what matters most to us in life.
Practice: An Actionable Response to Guilt
Notice what thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, and reactions get activated in you when you experience a sense of guilt. Pause and acknowledge that this emotion is present and utilize any practices that support you to feel more regulated to engage in honest self-reflection (a deep breath, gentle encouragement). Through thoughtful exploration or with the use of a journal, first identify what this guilt may be in response to. Then consider the limiting beliefs which you have learned throughout your life and compare how your guilt may be due to a sense of failing to fulfill these. If you find something that resonates, acknowledge your relationship with this belief and offer yourself forgiveness, flexibility, and recognition that you are worthy regardless of meeting this expectation.
Following this practice, whether or not you found aspects of the guilt to be misplaced to the reality of your actions, explore which of your core values may have also been affected. Review this list of values and focus on those which feel most significant to you and the situation. If you find that you did neglect your values, allow the pain of this to be a sufficient lesson rather than continuing to punish yourself through self-criticism or shame. Practice taking accountability with anyone else that may have been affected by your actions, and assume a growth-oriented mindset to identify what immediate changes move you closer toward these values, and how you may handle a situation like this in the future that would allow you to feel a sense of peace in your actions following.
